it feels strange writing this today. this is more of a personal post than anything else. i dont know exactly but the feeling is like - i am not sad for sure.
umm mmm yes i am stable but at the same time therz some vacuum inside. am not able to locate its reason for being there....am i merely thinking too much ??
okay let me just flow with the flow...
why do we dream? do they mean anything. i mean at few imp. points of my life i remeber my sub conscious has sent me signals which i was able to co relate or interpret only later. i was able to help myself sometimes but not always.
do i need to help myself right now, but then about what???

sigh :((

locked out for the third time in two days!!!

title-less

thank you spic macay for bringing great musical moments in life.

S' birthday went off pretty well. umm actually apacalypto was not what i may have exactly bargained for :D
yeah, S did get introduced to Santoor - another first in her life :))

however, today this post is not about what all happened that eventful day (it was quite a roller-coaster for me!!), i want to write something about indian classical music cum society circle.

now coming back to what i began with. spic macay is doing a great job for sure and so are the NDMC guys through their finely arranged 'music in park' series.
there has been something on my mind for sometime now. its about how all these big personalities differ despite their commonly held dedication and surrender to classical music. if one were to look at them- almost all have carved a place in the modern world through their own hard work and efforts. i mean many have belonged to the famous legendary gharanas, but with independence and the on set of the so called 'modern times', many of their patrons were gone. so this young crop had to adapt themeselves and may i say 'market' their art in the right way in the new times.
Amjad Ali Khan sahib is certainly one of the best. he has a face that is radinat and comes out as a very gentle person. however, i feel he has really promoted his sons very well. something which Anoushka Shankar may also share with Amaan and Ayaan Ali Bangaash.
i remember, having read somewhere about Ustaad Bismillah Khan, whose sons were rather disappointed with their father for not having promoted them as well as 'others' do.
Bismillah Sahib was a rare personality and i have had a unique and a rare opportunity of witnessing a very private recitation in which Khan sahib was at so much ease and had a long informal chat. and he came out as a really innocent and very simple person- almost like a child.

as i write this, i feel this post has not come out with any particular theme or direction. but i want to leave it just like this- unbounded and non structured.

ps: we all know that evrything must change with times, but all changes are not good either or are they??

HATTA SAAWAN KI GHTTA.......

• if one is sad or in a foul mood and feeling down and oh so lonely...and some friend or well wisher takes time out ..shows concern and tries to cheer one up---- don't take too long to cheer up. trust me it feels good to finally cheer up :))
• the added advantage of - jaldi se maan janna- is one may not feel guilty of having hurt that friend/well wishers' good will

• take small breaks from work.....yes get up and start moving around. getting some fresh air helps tremendously. like i remember during my pg days when i had to sit for long in one place studying, it used to get extremely gloomy. suddenly i discovered that just getting up and taking my leisurely walk around the campus was really really helpful.

• so people even if you do not have parks or mountains or sea in the vicinity...just step out of that cubicle, feel the blue , limitless expanse of the sky( may be the terrace or balcony- whatever).

• next, try and see how your thoughts are moving. i mean in what direction are they going. are they positive or negative? more importantly where are they sourced from-- are they gloomy reminders of what happened in past or nervous anxieties about future. and remember the greatest possible, unshakable, rock solid truth----PAST IS OVER & FUTURE DOES NOT EXIST.

• enjoy the present -- the NOW MOMENT. :))))

:)))))

holi the festival of colors
the festival welcoming new season
a celebration of colors
colors of life too
a festival marking the hawana of all that is evil within
a festival symbolizing life, spring, enjoyment, collective joy
a festival that comes every year giving us a chance to forgive and be forgiven. shed all malices and any and all ill feelings towards friends, relations..everybody
its a time for burying differences and bonding again in love
starting afresh :))))
lets all enjoy................

self.

this blog so far has been a journal of my experiences, observations and understandings of the moment. of course writing them all down has also helped me to realize that all that one thinks or believes also keeps changing...changing because its evolving.

as i stand today, i have wondered about something which may best be worded as - sense of self. um mm...i am no psychologist to have any technical or precise definitions. but continuing with my habit of penning down what i feel. i do know know that i don't want to discuss what it means or what it comprises of.

self is the most individual thing a being can have- everybody shall agree to that. however
i feel this self is actually expandable. in a way that the consciousness about self and being can actually transcend beyond the limits of individual life force.
simply putting, my consciousness of this self or being this self moves to another level, where i or myself is not what i have been conditioned into believing, because of being this individual that i am.
lets take a very tangible example. tangible because its an emotion that has been experienced or written about by so many lucky people that it derives a strange cliched legitimacy of sorts. (however, i do feel rather restricted in the scope of this topic by citing this example.)

expansion of the idea or feeling of self may happen in cases where two individuals feel their sense of self transcending through genuine and intense feelings of love and connection with another being. like a lover may feel towards his/her soul mate - to put it in the regular style :) in this bond, two people do experience their sense of selves melting into another's and both belonging or existing as one entity.

moving from this example, i propose (propose is a word that has sadly to be used because language has its limitations- this is certainly not an argument but a feeling which can be communicated at this level only through words :(

so what if this sense of transcending ones self -galvanized through the medium of pure love moves from the restricting bondages of carnal love. love which is free of dross completely. love which sprouts within because it feeds on an eternal life force....a belonging which is there because we are all part and parcel of that whole - that is there -as it contains us all- as ONE

the sense of self grows expands and permeates in all. it loves because it is nothing but love. it is stable and secure. it does not feel challenged because there is no other. probably the concept of ADVAITA or non duality is a spiritual manifestation of this feeling. all that "i" have known uptill now as my own small- restricted self then withers away..... losing its relevance completely because it is obselete. it merges and assumes its crowning glory of the whole- the king.

eternal

everything comes from there, everything goes back there.
in between lies a moment..this life, existence, the being.

Before i knew that i am.

it is perfect

so perfect in all its subtleties and complexities

me-mine-myself entities too shallow

to grasp the whole.

it is the heart that speaks this time.

urges to stop looking around..running around in circles.

"Halt" - It commands.

i know not if i should listen- is it me - it is meaning to?

difficult situations, complex questions wear 'the me' down.

tired and bitter- drowning in intoxicating pain.

The Consciousness whispers gently from the heart. "can you listen now?"- "will you?"

"Fear not"- so She soothes the aching edges. aching because they are angular- "dont you see?"

"Look no further...close your eyes - feel it."

It has been here all along ...ummmm even before the ego evolved.

before i knew that i am.

before She led me to the Gates.

someone knocked at my door today

tell me, do you feel it? do you feel it around? the unrelenting gigantic force pushes me into submission.
once again it has been me - the rebellious atom bursting in my tiny cup of self. what makes the foolishly daring ego to cook up dreams? waiting to lose my glory in the shallows of frothy success -
why does time flow, wont it put a pause , put a hault on its disciplined steps? does its heart has strings too? would it - the merciful one wait? and drop by - just this time to ask what i wish for?
oh wait, i know, even if it does...i would be silent -just like before
secretly i know that it (time) knows it too..............it knows it gave me a sturdy spirit :)

waqt

aage bhi
jaane na tu
peeche bhi jaane na tu
jo bhi hai bass yahi ek pal hai
jo bhi hai bass yahi ek pal hai
aanjaani rahoon ka
iss jag main dera hai
andekhi baahon ne hum sab ko ghera hai
ek pal ujala hai
baaki andhera hai
yeh pal gawaana na
yeh pal hi tera hai
jeene waale soche le
yahi pal hai
poori karr le aarzoo....

so shall it be
spoke the holy wind
you shall become
what you choose to be
just remember one thing
the master has created you
she owns you forever
but you are cursed to be free
and contest reality
yes my child
you are free
but first go and find
what that means
and only then
i shall take you
and you be mine
forever and forever

i am a slave and if i choose to be - i may be my own master

'When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, 'it means just what i choose it to mean. Neither more or less.'

'The question is,' said Alice, 'whether you can make words mean so many different things.'

'The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'who is the master. That is all.'

whatever else language may serve a purpose, it stays a social activity or a medium for all social activities. language in itself is a system of expressions which employs symbols or lets call them words to represent things. "words do not merely reflect the realities around us, they also help to shape what we see and structure attitudes towards it. in effect language helps to create the world itself..."
the problem of interpretation and semantics is therefore acute and i feel it more keenly in the virtual world. all expressions and words can actually mean as many different things as the number of brains acting upon to decipher its meanings.
so one is led to the constant vicious dilemma of discretion. however discretion - its flow and direction is also manipulated by the particular context, en-culturation, background, experience and the total environment within which the reader finds him/herself.
so how does one ever cut through the haze and froth of what ones mind shows us as the truth? one of the ways is to undergo the painfully long and almost Utopian process/ideal of dialectical movement towards the truth - the ultimate knowledge. one goes on negating all that in life that reveals itself as something else but the truth.
that is surely a long drawn and cumbersome process and is still not fool proof. at such a state one is reminded of what one of the Prophets of the world - Mohammad Sahab said: "Quiama ke samye, khuda aapke ke honth sill denge aur apke haath apke khilaaf shahaadat denge."

prayers & birthaday wishes 4 two very spl. people - 25th & 26th January, 2007.

Ganpati mujh deen kee
vinati karo parwaan tum
deen main , tum ho daayalu
daata krippa nidhaan tum
muladhaar main tum ho biraaje
karro krippa tum aan karr
apne gun hum sabb main bhar do
apna baalak jaan kar
mehkaa do mann ka bageecha
ho buddhi ki khaan tum
kya kami usko hai rehti
jiss parr ho dayawaan tum
Ganpati mujh deen ki
vinati karo parwaan tum

enjoy the waves...

time out

the other day, zzz went along with j to get some permission papers signed from a big boss. since the matter got a little bit out of hand, after the usual follow up cribb session was over, it was decided the two needed a neat break.
btw, madam J has finaaly listened to her inner voice (!!!!) and decided to forsake her residencey at the queensdom!!!- now thats another sob story - poor J

anyways getting back to this one, after much pep talk and stuff, zzz finally succeded in convincing the stubborn soul (ouch-i am dead if she reads this!!) the benefits of having spontaniety as a spice for life.
since this being zzz, more the merrier - is the ground rule. S should be called in too. a quick call(s) followed. S being S - always willing (hey- i mean it in the most positive way :)

as things stood J and zzz land early- much early. J wants to eat and get it over with. but hang on - a brilliant idea popps up in zzz's head. hey!! till we wait, why not go and try out some..uummmm stones..well, to be precise - solitaires :d
so here we go.....zzz went mad, tried out all those rocks in all her ten fingers..could have utilized the toes if the snooty sales executive had permitted!!!! and J sat there smiling embaraasingly for her friend's histrionics. zzz still feels J sat there sulking- 'cause J feels her hands are not as beautiful as the rest of her - babe has some concepts man!!!
anyways, the two had a jolly good time overall and reached the eatery. J could not be stopped anylonger- she just had to eat. so she went ahead and ordered. thankfully S followed sooon.

scene 2:
as the three of them sat there, J and S on one side and zzz facing them. both sat there talking in ulti-pulti french-J's latest passion. S sulked how she missed joining it again this session.
as for zzz- she had a good time as she stared unblikningly at the huge tv screen soaking her much starved senses with the charms of the idiot box.(reason: the CAS story in delhi. theres a battle of wits back at zzz home reagrding installation of the new set top box for tv. it is silently held by all the residents that who so ever asks for the new tv first- is automatically going to be labelled the 'most addicted one' to the idiot box. so currently everyone is battling with an ever increasing uneasiness of not having watched tv for almsot25 days!!!)
coming back, as zzz lost her self in the video, suddenly she noticed a guy sitting in the corner having a through and very convinient look at her. zzz is too embarassed and turns around- both of them still trying there french-aagh!!! two guys sitting on the other end quietly munching there snacks- boring!!

after J left, S and zzz went back to the univ. another round of late evening chai followed. S sat there sulking about the infant from bombay, tripped on some stone, the night ended as both worried a little about the unknown future and went back to their homes.

break free

lemme fly..lemme fly

dont tie me down

lemme fly

dont cut my wings...

lemme fly....

this is not where i belong...

dont bound me in chains

chains of desires...structures...relationships - which gnaw (at) my flesh and her spirit

let me be

what i truly am

ever - loving

free and unbound

today i clicked on one wrong button and that sent an invitation from my messenger id to all the people in my address list.
i am so embarassed for this, because the invite has been sent to all the people and they must all be wondering if i am in my right sense, that includes my professors, long lost aquaintances and many more.....
i donno how posting this confession here would un-do what has been already done :(((((((((

saagar kinaare..dil yeh pukare..
tu jo nahin to mera..koi nahin hai

prabhu zjyacha re

bhae kaae taya,
prabhu zjyacha re
bhae kaae taya....
sarva visarli
prabhu maya jhaali
purna zjyachi vaacha re
bhae kaae taya...

This is the age of illussions. this is an ancient story (i dont want to name it a mythological story) when Nal (from the famous Nal- Damyanti story) caught hold of Kali - the devil, he i.e., Nal decided to kill him. as he was about to do so, Kali spoke to his captor and told that Nal may kill him but first he must know of Kali's significance. Kali (the devil) then spoke of his importance in his age that is the 'Kali-Yuga'. it would be the time of illussions and common simple house-holders (gruhasthas) and the great men alike would be cursed to be caught in the web of various challenges in their path to spiritual enlightenment. but it would be the significance of this age only that common householders would be able to attain their spiritual upliftment (yoga).

are we all experiencing atleast some of the features of this prediction in our current times?
almost everybody experiences a deep desire a hypnotic quest at some points of time in our lives. this feature gets more frequent as a regualr phase in our modern, solitary living.
as things stand today, most of us have had to move out of our homes, away from our families and their emotional support base. almost all are made to appreciate work structures where 'being proffesional' translates as being detached, impersonal and unconcerned.
individualism as a philosophy grafts sterile conditions upon our daily collective existence. i call it as grafting because it is not an organic/natural growth. we as human beings- as one species- the most evolved of all living things on earth are intrinsicly connected...connected at some higher spiritual (lets take it as a hypothesis atleast) level.

one pointer is the feel of desire, that unquenched quest that haunts us all - mostly when we are alone. more often, we may fail to pin-pointedly lay our hands upon what that quest is..
who am I? what is it that I am looking for? is the similiar haunting question. sometimes we may interpret it as something material to be achieved in terms of money, career goals, buying/building our own house, car, etc.
at a slightly deeper level, one may feel the desire..almost a hankering to be with someone...the thrill of a new romance, or companionship from a particular person etc.

and almost everyone experiences a heart-break at some point of time of our mad run for accomplishing these desires. and we may react to it in different ways. for some- getting back to normal may be more easy than others. its generally held that those with good emotional back-up mechanism (mind you which has been kept well oiled- almost all our friends have been thru that phase) tend to normalize sooner.

then the big question is what is it that all of us are looking for? what is that real thing - the hankering for which makes us so anxious. what is it that is that collective common objective, the ultimate goal which tends to vent out in our individual selves as desire for things that we know deep down to be temporary in their satisfaction. things and relationships may never serve the kind of satisfaction which our inner core yearns for.

all of us -as fellow beings need to find out what that goal is, which laid that deep intrinsically collective desire in all humans. it may be dormant in few and extremely keen in others but it is that wish that exists in us all. and because it is constant (in its form and spirit) in each one - its manifestation has to be constant in all too.

umblical chord

this new year had the usual start to it- or so i thought. i had a big argument with my mom yesterday ( not anything new- i guess for all mothers and daughters). my mom says that our systems would not be able to digest our food if we two were not to fight. but i must add that now days we seldom have the privelege of fully digested meals.
anyways, i give major credit for that to myself!!! i have genuinely believed myself to be the more reasonable of the two of us and it is largely because of my merit and nobility that things stay calm at home...yawn
coming to the point, as you may note that i guessed that there was nothing unsusal about our argument this time also except for it being the first in the new year. but today i explored another aspect of my relationship with my mom. actually this time she was genuinely at fault which she most certainly realized and like a good mom said 'sorry' as well. now whenever my mom says sorry (and thats like the rarest of rare possibilities) - simply the majesty and rarity of the occassion makes all of us bow down in sheer awe and splendour of the moment. the anger and grievances evaporate in thin air and a splendid peace and gratitude envelops us all and that includes my dad most of all ;)
however this time what started off from being somewhat different, turned out to be really different. as i have mentioned we had the freshh argument no 1, 2007 , yesterday evening. mommy dear realized that this case fell in the odd category of sorry-ism from her end, came to my sulk-room and uttered the magicall words. and it felt soooooooo nice and to tell you honestly, i was almost relieved because this time i really did not want to aplogise. she stood there waiting for me to smile back and as the majesty of the moment commanded- i could not resist a faint smile in its response.
so basically that was the ground zero situation when i went to bed last night. easy but not too easy detente hung over the house as the night embraced me with her sleepy gift.
but when i woke up in the morning, a rebellious thought popped up its infant head in me. "why should i give up so easily?" and finding the overall atmosphere in the house favourable, i dug up a fake anger within and greeted the parents with a sullen face. this was also part of a clever starategy to orient my father to the current issue who was uptill now blissfully ignorant about all this. as expected he asked if something was bothereing me and i did not let go off the opportunity.
since then mom has said sorry THREE times (i am begining to feel sadistic about it). she has called up twice to enquire about the mundane things like- how am i doing!! he he
i already feel bored with this new dimension of my mother's love for her unreasonable daughter. and its part of my introspective exercise that i am writing this post. she is expected back soon and i think i am gonna come back to being my normal silly self than this snobbish one. all this is so unlike both of us.
moral of the story- daughters are born to mothers to fight and argue. this is nature's way of training them to become wonderfully accomplished wives. he hehe
ps: all this not to be taken too seriously. this is for TP. so guys don't be scared :)